dude, dude, the guilt. when you’re over twenty and you’re just figuring this out you feel like the world’s biggest moron as well as confused and distressed and vaguely as if the sky is going to fall. And me, the guilt for myself nearly overwhelmed me, that I’d spent so much time figuring that there was something direly wrong with me, thinking that I wasn’t tough enough or in control of my anxiety enough to enter this big impressive adult world of heterosexual dating, when really, fuck, I don’t think I ever thought of a dude as something other than a way to prove something. I dunno, how not-crazy and normal I was, which was extremely important to me, because that’s all I ever heard. “Oh hillary, once you are less crazy and once you are more normal THE BOYS WILL BE BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR!” which is a ridiculous and gross and unhealthy thing to say to someone, let alone how ridiculous and gross and unhealthy it is to believe, but hell, I didn’t know any better. The people who told me this knew exactly what i’d been through and knew exactly why i was the way i was- surely they knew what they were talking about!!!
And I did believe it, and I did believe that this would be the one big way to prove I’d beaten my crazy for good, and I spent pretty much my whole life thinking “oh shit I don’t want this must be something wrong with me.” And that was sad. So I spent a lot of time afterwards being sad for myself in a way that, perhaps for the first time, wasn’t filled with some degree of loathing, if that makes any sense? I mean, we all indulge in self pity, but I’d always thought my particular tragedy should end with me getting Old Yeller’d behind the chicken coop.
It was weird, but weirdly healthy. And none of it would have come about if I hadn’t to some degree gotten a hold of my anxiety and realized that no, I was normal I was healthy and no I didn’t want this.
But yeah. I’m 23. I haven’t done anything with this relatively new information, and I really don’t see any changes coming in the future that would allow me to, but I’ve also stopped punishing myself for things I don’t can’t won’t feel. Which feels good.
And fuck me, I might not be doing anything with this, but it’s giddy thinking about being in love, being loved, getting married, that this might be something I could do!!! if I wanted!!! and the groovy lady i wanted to marry was also up for it! because trust me when I say I went my entire life without ever having these thoughts regarding myself or regarding someone else and now they bubble up all the time and sometimes it is overwhelming but mostly it makes me happy. And I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m healthy and smart enough to see it, so I don’t care if it took me so long.