I am the grumpiest jerk in the world today
Case in point: Pushing, pulling, or throwing someone into a car? Turns out it’s a lot harder to do than you’d imagine, even if the person you’re relocating cooperates. And if the person resists, it can be next to impossible. I know this; I was ordered to pull one of the other students into the instructor’s Honda, and even with the rest of the class shouting advice, I couldn’t do it.
I found out why when it was my turn to be pushed and pulled: If you simply brace your arms and legs on the frame of the car, you have more than enough leverage to resist another person—or even two or three people. The woman who tried to pull me into the Honda taught urban boxing for a living; she was bigger, stronger, and younger than me. She couldn’t even get me halfway inside. Hell, at one point I had my left hand on the doorframe, one foot on the outside edge of the floorboard, and was letting my other arm and leg simply dangle limply as she hauled away at my midsection. I wasn’t even expending any energy; just using the car to brace against, and she couldn’t budge me.
Sure, a male abductor might be bigger than her, or stronger than two or three women martial artists (a combination we also tested, with similar failure rates). A male attacker could try to disable me by hitting or choking me. But there are ways to defend against those elements of an attack too (I had a hand and a foot completely free, after all, and I can do plenty of damage with either one). And in the meantime—that rather lengthy period of time the attacker has to spend not whisking me magically into the vehicle the way we somehow imagine he would, but instead struggling to pry all four of my limbs free from the car frame simultaneously—I could be yelling my head off, biting a chunk out of his ear, slamming his forehead into the vehicle frame, or closing the car door on his neck. In other words, I have the means and the opportunity to write a very different kind of story than your typical “Woman Snatched by Predator” headline.
I was particularly charmed by the concept of trapping an attacker’s arm or neck in the door, a beautifully simple and devastating maneuver that our instructor obligingly demonstrated on herself."
"I think for me, the main reason I really wanted to audition was because I had never been given a script that featured the bigger girl in this way. All the other stuff I’d been sent was always ‘the bully’ or ‘the victim’. It was never just a story, about a girl. There was always some silly ‘thing’ attached. This character had all these issues; eating issues, mental issues, family issues. Just like every other person. She had all these issues but they didn’t define her. She defined her.”
i like the term ‘gender alignments’ because it presents new identities such as: lawful gender, gender evil, and the ever mysterious gender gender.
the most important thing to me ever is bi kids knowing that it’s ok to be 10% attracted to women and 90% attracted to men or 10% attracted to men and 90% attracted to women and still feeling ok to identify as bi, and still feeling like their identity is valid, and still feeling like they can lead fulfilling lives with both (or other) genders. like that’s just so fricking important.
this year has been a lot about moving from the cocooning stage of self care to actively challenging myself with things that have previously been obstacles, and not allowing anxiety to prevent me from being compassionate or apologetic or present
but it has also been a year of heightened abuse and heightened fallout from abuse.
and yeah i know that it would be a real big sign of progress if i got out there and dated again but god i am so tired and a month ago i called the cops on my mom and i have zero mental energy for new people.
never try to consider yourself one of “the good” privileged people because tbh that just is cutting you off from continually learning and continually deconstructing your privilege and learned bullshit. every time i’ve thought “ok i’m one of the good guys now” i’ve learned more fucked shit i’m doing and deconstructed more bullshit and if you continually cling to “BUT I’M NOT RACIST/SEXIST/TRANSPHOBIC/ETC” you’re refusing to face the possibility that you could still be doing really bad shit and that means you’re part of the problem. being aware of privilege doesn’t mean you’re absolved of it.
i reject any framework for recovery from trauma that is not barebones and basic in the extreme, because any bar you set is gonna occupy that obnoxiously liminal space of being too low and too high at the same time.
i gravitate towards any form of media that stresses the necessity of living with trauma.
dying from trauma is always an option, dying from the complications and lingering effects of trauma is something that happens every day.
living with it is frequently messy, ignoble, and meaningless. living with it is a constant negotiation between guilt grief terror and acceptance. there is no other side of it. you live with it until you don’t.
but i tend to only fixate on things that focus on the living.